hamsa. i am that.

change

2009-10-30T11:04:00.000-07:00

i have a hard time dealing with change, especially when things change in a way that i am not prepared for.

there is an awful lot changing in my life right now, and it all seems to be difficult for me to deal with. my husband is now part of a power-house songwriting team with an incredibly talented woman. this is probably the hardest thing for me to deal with, and dealing with it has consumed a large chunk of my time and energy. i have been extremely frank with my husband about all of it. i have told him all my fears (i was simply positive they were sleeping together for the longest time) and insecurities (i feel like i'm being left behind and that i'm un-needed) and irrational anger (i feel like my music career is a thing of the past) and jealousy (i want my own measure of success). i don't think i've ever been this emotionally effected in my whole life, and i still struggle with it. we had a knock down, drag out the night before last, and i felt much better after it. we cried, we yelled, we screamed, we just got it all out there and let it all go. i am sure that he is not having an affair with her, but i still have the jealousy and some measure of anger. why? i don't know.

i am jealous that another woman gets so much of his time, that they get to go play music at least three nights a week, that they get to going to an invitation-only writing event next month and... well... i don't.

i am angry that i have to work at a job that i don't particularly care for and that somehow manages to sap enormous amounts of my energy. i am angry that so much of his energy goes to a project that does not involve me one bit. i am angry that they are able to pursue their careers full bore while i have to wait my turn, to some extent. i am angry that right now i have to be Happy, that i have to be Moral Support and Enthusiasm for them when i would simply rather be onstage myself.

this is all compounded by the fact that i was trying to find a group who wanted a six foot tall, red-headed flute player and i've discovered that the market is saturated. nobody wants me, but mostly because they guard their gigs and their gig money visciously. i really just wanted to get out and play and keep my chops up and keep myself in the fray. of course, the husband suggested i force my way into a group, but i'm not sure i have that capability. he may be right that i should go to gigs and see if they'll let me sit in for some tunesets, but that's fairly presumptuous. i guess i just want to feel sought-after.

my only recourse now is to finish my record and have something to give people and see who wants me then. the husband has made it clear that all i have to do is ask and he will work, day or night, no matter the hour. when i listen to what we have already done on this record, i feel it deep down. it stirs the deepest parts of me because it is the audible manifestation of my heart and soul. anyone who listens to that record will know me intimately, whether they realize it or not.

my job is another source of frustration. the pay is outstanding, but i am not at all pleased with the environment. the person who continues to train me (three months into the job, i might add) keeps me on a leash that makes me want to hang myself. she insists on being copied on all my emails, she treats me as if i am completely inexperienced, and she lives to look for mistakes i make and then parade them in front of me. thankfully, the mistakes are coming to be few and far between, but she "instructs" me on how to do just about everything i am asked to put my hand to. i am not pleased, and i am considering another employment change. i thought i would give it six months, but i'll be damned if i'm going to be led around by my nose for that long. i'm debating about whether or not to talk to the boss man about it, as i think that type of thing could end up being counterproductive. i do not relish the thought of a quick job change since it does not reflect well on a resume.

in all, things are good, but i find myself occasionally drowning in emotions and it makes me extraordinarily uncomfortable since i do not tend towards hysterics.

i am looking forward to more quiet times.

2009-10-22T11:50:00.000-07:00

hamsa?

i am that?

i don't even know what that means any more.

i don't know what i want.

who i am.

what to do.

i just want to disappear.

favorite. poem. evar.

2009-09-24T07:15:00.000-07:00

Kubla Khan
~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh ! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover!
A savage place ! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!
A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome ! those caves of ice!
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.

What? What was that?

2009-06-08T12:32:00.001-07:00

I think the universe is trying to tell me something, but I have no idea what. I am, after all, hard of hearing.

I called Kaylee to schedule a time to meet with her and try to get some yoga going. She didn't pick up and I still haven't heard from her. I have no more dates scheduled to play for 13B, and I can't get a standing date at The Pub to save my life. What's up with that? The things I want most in the whole world are happening to other people and not me (a puppy, teaching yoga, getting a full yoga cert, playing music, and kids).

This is me feeling sorry for myself, and I feel dumb now, too because it sounds so childish and ungrateful for all the wonderful things I do have in my life. I'm trying hard not to want too much from the universe, but hello? A bone? Mleah.

this makes me happy!

2009-03-24T10:01:00.001-07:00

outside mccreary's on st. patrick's day. thanks to the lovely, lovely nina for this! :)

thankfulness.

2009-03-20T07:27:00.000-07:00

a sister to keep my secrets. *blush*

lots and lots of musical validation.

lots of positive reinforcement in, um, other areas.

it's friday!!

playing music live again.

a whole room for nothing but yoga.

mini daffodils in a pot on my window sill.

fresh grass sprouting.

many, many good friends.

flo!!

yoga intensive coming up, and a light at the end of the tunnel in the process of choosing a teacher.

abating sickness. finally.

spring!

pretty boys.

pretty kitties.

a bright sunny day today, and coupons for $2 dinner at zoe's kitchen tonight!

music and family matters.

2009-03-19T07:46:00.000-07:00

i've been very happy with the music that we've been finishing, and thank you guys, by the way, for all the kind words. it's nice to have validation. dans en dro is very personal for me. it is the essence of who i am as a person and as a musician. it is the center of the art that i want to make. there are so many little touches that may not come through on myspace. my voice is everywhere on the track. there is a rainstorm at the end because i love spring and summer rains. it's dripping with radiohead and sarah mclachlan influences. it's just so... me. it's so thrilling to see my art come to life and to feel like it's reaching some people the way i wanted it to. my heart is full of love and hope when i can make music like that.

my dad's 60th birthday is this weekend. i won't be able to be able to be there because i have flute choir. speaking of my dad, he's confusing the crap out of me at the moment. my dad has always supported me when it comes to music, but recently he hasn't had anything to say about my stuff. it's not that he doesn't like it, or thinks it's awful. he has nothing to say. i don't get it. i think this is the best work of my life and he hasn't said one word about it. also, i have a half brother by my dad's first marriage. his name is marshall and we have never been close. he and i had one bad incident as kids, and i've chosen to keep him out of my life, as has my dad. until now. marshall impregnated this girl and now my dad has a granddaughter. and my dad wants me to be excited about being and aunt?? excited about a guy my dad has wanted nothing to do with for upwards of 23 years? wtf? on some level i know i'm jealous because i want kids so badly. i wish it were my daughter he is excited about. i know that's part of it. but the other part is still squarely on marshall's shoulders. the only time he has ever gotten in touch with my dad has been when he wanted money or when he wanted my dad to do something for him. my dad has always had very negative things to say about him. and now that there's a grandbaby i'm supposed to welcome him into my life? i don't think so. it's not that i hate by brother. i just don't know him, and i choose to keep it that way. and i can't get excited about his daughter. oh yeah, and he hasn't even married the girl yet. although, b and i were talking the other night and my heart is going to break if my dad manages to find time to go to marshall's wedding. he didn't come to my wedding to b in december of 2007 because he had to work. he wouldn't take a single day off to come to our wedding. i've been trying to forgive and forget about that, and been successful so far, but i think it would be a slap in the face if he goes to my brother's wedding.

anyway, i didn't mean to write a novel and i didn't mean to be so negative, but it feels good to get that off my chest. hope everyone's having a happy thursday!

new music!!

2009-02-25T14:52:00.000-08:00

hello all! i finally got my new song finished and posted to myspace. Check it out and let me know what you think!

what if...

2009-02-14T15:11:00.000-08:00

...i'm not meant to be married...
...i turn out to be like my mother...
...i am incapable of greatness...
...i never kiss another man...
...i am bored...
...my life never changes...
...i never have children...
...the music stops...
...art is imagined...
...i want another man...
...i want to be alone...
...i never know what to do...
...accomplishments are irrelevant...
...i don't know how to be happy...
...i want too much...
...i never get it right...
...i'm supposed to look like this...
...i want more...
...i don't know what "more" means...
...there is no point...
...i don't know what to believe...
...i am irrelevant...
...everything stays the same...
...this is all there is...

just for fun.

2009-01-29T09:33:00.001-08:00

don't.

2009-01-23T06:58:00.000-08:00

don't

just don't

don't give up
don't give in
don't forget
don't let go

don't stop

just

don't

stop

a prayer.

2009-01-20T05:50:00.001-08:00

dear God,

for many, today is a day of hope. the president elect is not who i supported, he wasn't my choice, but he was yours apparently. i did not (and still don't) think he was the best choice, but you know what's going on here more than i do, and i suspect i do not need (or want) to know everything that's in play. help me keep an open mind and an open heart in the months and years to come. please watch over our country and it's new leader and protect us from ourselves if we need it. help me remember to support our new president no matter what, and help him to make good decisions on behalf of all of us.

thank you.

forced resting.

2009-01-17T08:51:00.000-08:00

i tend to do too much, so i think my body purposefully becomes ill to force me into slowing down and resting. i got a sore throat (there's a Crud Epidemic, apparently) on wednesday afternoon. i went to work briefly on thursday and promptly returned home to sleep for most of the day. friday i felt even worse so stayed holed up at home with copious amounts of theraflu and split my time evenly between the couch and my bed. i'm not thrilled about the time away from work because i have no more vacation time. hopefully i'll be able to make up some of the time during the week next week. anyway, i woke up feeling much refreshed this morning, but still with a little bit of a sore throat and still feeling a little run down.

in other news, my house is full of happy! my sister and the monkey moved in with their two feline adoptives, and everyone seems to be adjusting nicely. i anticipate that feline forces of entropy will reach epic proportions before all is said and done, but i think all will end well. our four feline forces are: olive (hopelessly neurotic), liza (newly adopted and ferally skittish), trogdor a.k.a. troggums (a big ball o' lovins), and jezebel (freshly surgeried and still unhappy about the whole mess). for some reason, the Treehouse feels more like a home now than it did before and i'm not sure why. i knew it was home the moment i stepped inside it the first time, but it seems more full of love and other stuff. my only real worry is that my sister and her monkey will feel cramped -- like they don't have enough elbow room. it doesn't seem fair, somehow. i'm sure we'll come up with something, some way of making it feel bigger. we'll think of something.

my 31st birthday is approaching, and for the first time in my life i'm less than excited. it's not the aging part -- i've always embraced the aging process, and i think it's pretty cool that i'll be 31. it always makes me think of a Brooks & Dunn song "See Jane Dance." it describes a really beautiful southern girl who wins a trip to france by dancing in a bar in her leopard underpants (i know, right?!). the line i'm thinking of is:

she's heavily invested
her stock is on the run
be worth a couple million
by the time she's thirty-one

i'm not heavily invested, my stock isn't on the run, and i'm not worth a couple million and won't be in two weeks, but life is full of wonder and is priceless nonetheless. i feel incredibly happy and full of purpose and joy.

thank you, God, for all the blessings in my life. the big ones, the small ones, and the ones i don't notice at all. thank you.

living with less. living better.

2009-01-14T06:40:00.000-08:00

like my very best friend and soul sister, i have created this blog to get to the root of who i am. i also have a livejournal, but it has turned into a social networking thing instead of a true journal. i post there most often during the day when i want to connect.

this journal is to be very different.

i will post my own artwork, my own poetry, photographs, victories of all shapes and sizes, setbacks, and the movement of my life in general.

recently, i found myself questioning the very core of my being. who am i? what do i want? what do i want to do? these questions seemed extremely unusual and unlike the me that i have known my whole life. generally, i know what i want and how to get it. for the majority of my life thus far, my world has centered on music. i have a degree in classical music performance for flute and piccolo, and i play piano with the best 3rd graders out there. my life changed drastically in 2000 when i moved to nashville, tn. i discovered irish dance and irish music (in that order), and found myself called to irish music like nothing before. irish music draws me in a way i cannot explain. it's literally almost an out-of-body experience for me when i'm playing. it's as if i'm miles away and communicating with the deepest parts of myself. i know my family comes from scots-irish roots, but i now think we're more "irish" than "scots."

during the last year or so, i have suffered a number of setbacks. the celtic band i played with folded, my personal life became very difficult financially and emotionally (which i will likely delve into in another entry), and suddenly i found that i had no real idea of who i was or what i wanted any more. i knew that music would always be the red thread of my life, but i wasn't sure if it was going be the only red thread.

enter my sister. we met on lj only last year, but i feel a deep connection with her instantly, deeper than any i've ever known, and that connection is something i simply cannot imagine living without. through a series of interesting circumstances, we discovered that we had similar desires and dreams and hopes.

at this point, i am pursuing yoga certifications that will include ashtanga yoga (hopefully -- i'll have to go to india for 3 months for this one), vinyasa yoga, pre-natal yoga, and therapeutic yoga. i would like to create a yoga retreat that is on it's own piece of land where i can grow my own food and live as close to "off the grid" as possible. i will write more on this in a later post.

as part of my yogic journey, i have discovered that i want very much to live with less. less stuff, less anger, less fear, just less. i would also like to learn to give more of myself, to be kinder, to listen more, and to love more -- even if that means loving myself more.

for the first time in several years, i truly feel happy, light, free. i'm moving in the direction that i should be.